I came out as "bi" back at university in the early '80s in England. My friends were all like "Oh, you finally figured it out?" While I had both male and female partners at university, I didn't really start _dating_ guys until I was in my late 20s, and then in my late 30s I met and married a woman and we're still together 26 years later. Some of the early discussions around my sexuality were hard for her -- but she's become a great ally and has accompanied me to Pride each year. This year we both volunteered for Free Mom Hugs at Pride, which was a wonderful experience.
But, of course, being in a straight-presenting relationship, especially as a married couple, means that I have to come out over and over again, and deal with all the "how does that work?" questions. Fortunately, my wife has gotten very comfortable about explaining her queer husband to people!
At least you were honest with her from the beginning. I didn’t get that. I was used and abused in a life threatening way. This was not ‘confusion’, (we met in our 40s), but blatant lies. Not long after he got a ring on this beard, I was heartbroken at being celibate too. Not what I signed up for.
I'm really sorry you were deceived like that. My wife and I had talked about past partners before we even started dating -- we'd known each other online for a couple of years before we ever met face to face, and we didn't start dating until another couple of years after that.
As someone who has never really explored her sexuality (and is decidedly cis, and has only been in hetero relationships), this is just one of the reasons I’ve never tried to find my label. It sometimes feels like a “boys club” in the sense of the gatekeepy-ness. I’ve seen this story so many times over, and it’s so disheartening to feel like I’ll just never be “queer enough” to be part of the club.
My resolve instead is to just let myself be unapologetically me, and not try to find my fit in anyone’s labels. Because I don’t need to explain it to anyone, I can just feel it for myself.
I really appreciate you sharing! I think more people need to know/realize that this is happening and remember that the point of inclusion is… well inclusion! If we have restrictions on who qualifies to be included or fit under a specific label… are we even doing the thing we want to be doing? Sexuality is fluid and trying to force it into a specific shape for it to “count” is just painful for those involved, instead of freeing and affirming.
I love this so much. It's weird because as a bi author who has never felt the need to give people my labels, there have been times when I was glad I simply to tell people "I'm just me, so please accept me" and other times, I could have used a community of other bi and non-straight artists for support and perspective that comes with coming out. Looking back, I think I understand why I didn't: I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation. My closest friends and my ex-girlfriends knew I wasn't completely straight, my gay friends knew I'd fallen in love with way too many women to be gay, and the umbrella term queer didn't exist in the late '90s, just the homophobic slur.
At the same time, I saw a lot of gatekeeping in the queer community that made me really uncomfortable and I just wasn't interested in proving my identity or flashing my credentials. If anything, the gatekeeping made me feel like I didn't belong in the queer community and I had no right to claim otherwise. Also, I'd argued with enough gay friends and classmates at the time who used to tell me that bi people didn't really exist, that we were just confused, baby-stepping our way to the rainbow flag before we came out as gay or returned to Straightville. I knew, even back then, that was complete crap. But the terms bi-erasure and bi-invisibility weren't available in my '20s and I really wish they had been because they would have cleared up so much for me, least of all, why I kept feeling like I didn't belong in queer spaces.
And now I've returned to asking that people love us for who we are regardless of where we plot our identities on the identity spectrum. If labels work for people, I fully support that and if being a Gen X no-label person is better for someone, I fully support that as well. What has taken me my entire life, though, to learn (because it's hard to resist) is not letting other people tell me who I am. I have let too many people who didn't know me and certainly didn't love me chime in about my own sexual identity. Sorry, guys, but the customer suggestion box is locked.
Thanks again, Aubrey, for seeing us and creating such important art.
I came out as "bi" back at university in the early '80s in England. My friends were all like "Oh, you finally figured it out?" While I had both male and female partners at university, I didn't really start _dating_ guys until I was in my late 20s, and then in my late 30s I met and married a woman and we're still together 26 years later. Some of the early discussions around my sexuality were hard for her -- but she's become a great ally and has accompanied me to Pride each year. This year we both volunteered for Free Mom Hugs at Pride, which was a wonderful experience.
But, of course, being in a straight-presenting relationship, especially as a married couple, means that I have to come out over and over again, and deal with all the "how does that work?" questions. Fortunately, my wife has gotten very comfortable about explaining her queer husband to people!
Love that!
At least you were honest with her from the beginning. I didn’t get that. I was used and abused in a life threatening way. This was not ‘confusion’, (we met in our 40s), but blatant lies. Not long after he got a ring on this beard, I was heartbroken at being celibate too. Not what I signed up for.
I envy your wife having the choice.
I'm really sorry you were deceived like that. My wife and I had talked about past partners before we even started dating -- we'd known each other online for a couple of years before we ever met face to face, and we didn't start dating until another couple of years after that.
As someone who has never really explored her sexuality (and is decidedly cis, and has only been in hetero relationships), this is just one of the reasons I’ve never tried to find my label. It sometimes feels like a “boys club” in the sense of the gatekeepy-ness. I’ve seen this story so many times over, and it’s so disheartening to feel like I’ll just never be “queer enough” to be part of the club.
My resolve instead is to just let myself be unapologetically me, and not try to find my fit in anyone’s labels. Because I don’t need to explain it to anyone, I can just feel it for myself.
I really appreciate you sharing! I think more people need to know/realize that this is happening and remember that the point of inclusion is… well inclusion! If we have restrictions on who qualifies to be included or fit under a specific label… are we even doing the thing we want to be doing? Sexuality is fluid and trying to force it into a specific shape for it to “count” is just painful for those involved, instead of freeing and affirming.
This is so true, Kara! I'm glad you've found a way to find peace for yourself.
Dear Aubrey,
This is a beautiful piece. Love the words, love the art!
I particularly love this line:
"Once I stopped trying to make my bisexuality make sense to everyone else, I could focus on what it actually means to me."
Thank you for sharing!
Love
Myq
Thank you!
I love this so much. It's weird because as a bi author who has never felt the need to give people my labels, there have been times when I was glad I simply to tell people "I'm just me, so please accept me" and other times, I could have used a community of other bi and non-straight artists for support and perspective that comes with coming out. Looking back, I think I understand why I didn't: I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation. My closest friends and my ex-girlfriends knew I wasn't completely straight, my gay friends knew I'd fallen in love with way too many women to be gay, and the umbrella term queer didn't exist in the late '90s, just the homophobic slur.
At the same time, I saw a lot of gatekeeping in the queer community that made me really uncomfortable and I just wasn't interested in proving my identity or flashing my credentials. If anything, the gatekeeping made me feel like I didn't belong in the queer community and I had no right to claim otherwise. Also, I'd argued with enough gay friends and classmates at the time who used to tell me that bi people didn't really exist, that we were just confused, baby-stepping our way to the rainbow flag before we came out as gay or returned to Straightville. I knew, even back then, that was complete crap. But the terms bi-erasure and bi-invisibility weren't available in my '20s and I really wish they had been because they would have cleared up so much for me, least of all, why I kept feeling like I didn't belong in queer spaces.
And now I've returned to asking that people love us for who we are regardless of where we plot our identities on the identity spectrum. If labels work for people, I fully support that and if being a Gen X no-label person is better for someone, I fully support that as well. What has taken me my entire life, though, to learn (because it's hard to resist) is not letting other people tell me who I am. I have let too many people who didn't know me and certainly didn't love me chime in about my own sexual identity. Sorry, guys, but the customer suggestion box is locked.
Thanks again, Aubrey, for seeing us and creating such important art.
Thank you so much for this! I love "the suggestion box is closed". That's exactly right!
I feel so validated, thank you
❤🧡💛💚💙💜
Thank you for this. I feel seen.
A beautiful and important post, thank you, Aubrey! xo
Thank you!
Enlightening. Courageous. Thank you, Aubrey.
Well stated. ♥
I needed this. Thanks.
Thank you!
Ding ding ding! Thanks! Yes!
Thank you!
I love this! I feel seen. I also feel like you've echoed a lot of the themes in this essay I wrote about how bisexuality contributed to my son's early death: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/son-bisexual-secret-shame-drug-overdose_n_68070fe5e4b052543c13cab5
I'm so sorry for your loss!
Thank u!
Hahaha - "enjoying Bridgerton more"! Thanks for this relataBle post!
lol!
This was powerful, beautiful and informative. I learned a lot from "a cartoon"! Thank you.