I start off my visits saying, “full transparency-I just went on a deep dive of articles that note women do not have their pain taken seriously at the doctors. I appreciate this clinic is an exception.” It’s a polite reminder, I hope.
As a full time nursing school student, this is real. Many of my classmates and I are looking to change this from the inside out. (I especially relate to the eardrum incident as something similar happened to me.) All this said, please get your vitals taken each apt (BP, temp, 02sat, pulse) because over time these values paint an average so that if something happens, those attending nurses know what is 'normal' for you. And yes skip the scale, it's only very specifically necessary (meds, fluid volume overload, etc.) There are some really good nurses coming and we understand it's a mess out there. We care about you and want you to feel heard.
Lovely! I am writing a book about how to be more empowered as a dental patient, exploring many of the same themes as this piece. Id argue that at the dental office you have an even more overt power imbalance from lying back in the chair while the dentist stands over to painfully invade one of your body cavities so that you literally can't speak.
I love this so much. I'm always afraid of getting "uncooperative" put on my chart, which I think is a thing? It's probably already there. But thanks for the script for how to say not to the scale.
Things I'm saying no to--pelvic exams unless they have a very specific, justifiable reason. And perhaps never again with a metal speculum, which is a device invented by a racist asshole in the 19th century and not improved upon since. The thing has screws in it, for fuck's sake! Metal screws against some of the most sensitive tissue on my body. Are you kidding me with that?
Sometimes I think about the things that have been done to me in gynecological offices with zero efforts to reduce pain, just that eternal lie of, "You'll just feel a little pinch." And, "Just relax." I feel like at dentist's offices now the expectation is zero pain. Why isn't that the expectation in gynecological exams? Oh, right, I know why. Because we're women.
Two summers ago, I fell at an event and broke my leg quite badly. As I was being transported in the ambulance, despite sobbing and being in shock, I had the clear thought:
For the next little while, you are the most important person in the room.
I share your people-pleasing in medical contexts for (reasons) but I am in my 50s and the if I had not been clear with myself about whose needs mattered in that moment, I would have accepted substandard care throughout my ordeal.
Love this piece. I'm a 62-year-old woman and I've started taking my husband with me to the doctor's office so he can corroborate the info I'm giving them about my concerns.
I had to change providers at the VA clinic in the middle of some new and concerning symptoms developing. The ER doc said my 3 hours of leg spasming was just anxiety, gave me an Ativan drip, and sent me home with a bottle of 5 pills.
My prior PCP didn't even bother looking into my symptoms because apparently I pissed her off when I got my COVID booster this past fall against her express wishes that I not. (She was nervously looking around the exam room and saying "The VA doesn't want me to tell you this, but the vaccine wasn't fully tested, blah, blah, blah."). She chalked everything up to vaccine side effects and just threw her hands up and said either "I have no idea" or "Yep, what you think is causing it, is causing it." That was in regard to some hot-icepick stabby chest/rib pain that I thought was maybe irritation from how I rest my tablet when I'm doing my "shut down, brain" solitaire playing at bedtime. (It wasn't the tablet placement). My muscles also get tired out sooner than usual and I lost 15 pounds in under 3 weeks, no effort on my part. Requested a provider change in mid March, saw her for the first time a week ago and I'm already scheduled for an ortho referral for my shoulder arthritis (that I'd repeatedly said was worsening when I saw the prior provider) and getting an EMG and nerve conduction study on May 6 for the muscle weakness.
It pays to stick up for yourself, even if you think you're being overly sensitive to their dismissiveness. Sometimes you're really not, and they just suck.
Last week when I went to see the orthopedist I put on makeup thinking "I hate that I have to do this, but I know I'll be treated better today if I do." And I've had to lecture my mother about being honest with her doctors rather than being a well-behaved-good-girl seeking a gold start. She has had doctors in the ER overlook her symptoms and not treat her, making it so that we had to go back with her an hour later, and go through triage all over again. I also never let doctors or nurses tell me my weight.
hi Aubrey - I was just talking about this with one of my clients today as she wanted to be less reactive when she gets treated dismissively. she is a woman in her 60s with several chronic illnesses who wears a mask to all her doctors appts and (except for her beloved family doctor) feels she is not treated with respect when she visits her specialists. She is confident to ask her Family doc for a referral to another specialist if she really feels she is not getting good medical care as a result. Hopefully there is more training now with physicians to treat patients differently - my daughter is in family practice and I hope she can always respect her patients and their experiences. excellent piece!
Thank you for this wonderful article and for all the comments.
As an advocate for the mentally ill and for those so misdiagnosed, I can report that medical personnel are often dismissive of the self-reporting of those suspected of mental illness regardless of their age or gender.
Love this! Something I'm still working on is dropping the language that assumes medical professionals are in control. Grant them every bit of the attention that their expertise deserves, absolutely, but what I swallow or decide to do is still my choice. As in --
"My doctor put me on medication x" -- nope.
"My doctor strongly recommended medication x" -- great.
"My doctor said that unless my blood pressure comes down I'll have to go on medication x" - nope.
"My doctor said that if my blood pressure doesn't come down, medication x is the best option" - perfect.
And so on.
It's surprisingly empowering. And, once one is on the lookout for that kind of language, you realize it's everywhere...
I present as a sane nice old lady. I always shower before any kind of medical appt, because having done hospice care for five years, I know how close contact can be ‘challenging’ to providers. Just courtesy!
But looks can backfire…
There’s a huge homeless population in the city where I live. I picked up scabies from a Trader Joes bathroom, no azz-gaskets on the wall that day…
I’m also a retired esthetician, so know how to do very credible research on skin stuff.
The young female doctor absolutely dismissed my conclusion and mocked me! I reiterated my reasons for the diagnosis, like nighttime activity.
Finally I said, ‘just humor me, give me the prescription cream.’ I was right and it took care of the problem immediately.
I should have followed up and called her out, but those were stressful times, COVID, and no doubt she was dealing with a LOT, so I let it go.
But maybe I should have written her an articulate private note.
They automatically give you pregnancy tests?? That's so weird! No one in my state has done that. But rest assured I am still pretty much done with most doctors and nurses. My midwife is cool
I start off my visits saying, “full transparency-I just went on a deep dive of articles that note women do not have their pain taken seriously at the doctors. I appreciate this clinic is an exception.” It’s a polite reminder, I hope.
As a full time nursing school student, this is real. Many of my classmates and I are looking to change this from the inside out. (I especially relate to the eardrum incident as something similar happened to me.) All this said, please get your vitals taken each apt (BP, temp, 02sat, pulse) because over time these values paint an average so that if something happens, those attending nurses know what is 'normal' for you. And yes skip the scale, it's only very specifically necessary (meds, fluid volume overload, etc.) There are some really good nurses coming and we understand it's a mess out there. We care about you and want you to feel heard.
Lovely! I am writing a book about how to be more empowered as a dental patient, exploring many of the same themes as this piece. Id argue that at the dental office you have an even more overt power imbalance from lying back in the chair while the dentist stands over to painfully invade one of your body cavities so that you literally can't speak.
I love this so much. I'm always afraid of getting "uncooperative" put on my chart, which I think is a thing? It's probably already there. But thanks for the script for how to say not to the scale.
Things I'm saying no to--pelvic exams unless they have a very specific, justifiable reason. And perhaps never again with a metal speculum, which is a device invented by a racist asshole in the 19th century and not improved upon since. The thing has screws in it, for fuck's sake! Metal screws against some of the most sensitive tissue on my body. Are you kidding me with that?
Sometimes I think about the things that have been done to me in gynecological offices with zero efforts to reduce pain, just that eternal lie of, "You'll just feel a little pinch." And, "Just relax." I feel like at dentist's offices now the expectation is zero pain. Why isn't that the expectation in gynecological exams? Oh, right, I know why. Because we're women.
Two summers ago, I fell at an event and broke my leg quite badly. As I was being transported in the ambulance, despite sobbing and being in shock, I had the clear thought:
For the next little while, you are the most important person in the room.
I share your people-pleasing in medical contexts for (reasons) but I am in my 50s and the if I had not been clear with myself about whose needs mattered in that moment, I would have accepted substandard care throughout my ordeal.
Love this piece. I'm a 62-year-old woman and I've started taking my husband with me to the doctor's office so he can corroborate the info I'm giving them about my concerns.
I had to change providers at the VA clinic in the middle of some new and concerning symptoms developing. The ER doc said my 3 hours of leg spasming was just anxiety, gave me an Ativan drip, and sent me home with a bottle of 5 pills.
My prior PCP didn't even bother looking into my symptoms because apparently I pissed her off when I got my COVID booster this past fall against her express wishes that I not. (She was nervously looking around the exam room and saying "The VA doesn't want me to tell you this, but the vaccine wasn't fully tested, blah, blah, blah."). She chalked everything up to vaccine side effects and just threw her hands up and said either "I have no idea" or "Yep, what you think is causing it, is causing it." That was in regard to some hot-icepick stabby chest/rib pain that I thought was maybe irritation from how I rest my tablet when I'm doing my "shut down, brain" solitaire playing at bedtime. (It wasn't the tablet placement). My muscles also get tired out sooner than usual and I lost 15 pounds in under 3 weeks, no effort on my part. Requested a provider change in mid March, saw her for the first time a week ago and I'm already scheduled for an ortho referral for my shoulder arthritis (that I'd repeatedly said was worsening when I saw the prior provider) and getting an EMG and nerve conduction study on May 6 for the muscle weakness.
It pays to stick up for yourself, even if you think you're being overly sensitive to their dismissiveness. Sometimes you're really not, and they just suck.
Last week when I went to see the orthopedist I put on makeup thinking "I hate that I have to do this, but I know I'll be treated better today if I do." And I've had to lecture my mother about being honest with her doctors rather than being a well-behaved-good-girl seeking a gold start. She has had doctors in the ER overlook her symptoms and not treat her, making it so that we had to go back with her an hour later, and go through triage all over again. I also never let doctors or nurses tell me my weight.
hi Aubrey - I was just talking about this with one of my clients today as she wanted to be less reactive when she gets treated dismissively. she is a woman in her 60s with several chronic illnesses who wears a mask to all her doctors appts and (except for her beloved family doctor) feels she is not treated with respect when she visits her specialists. She is confident to ask her Family doc for a referral to another specialist if she really feels she is not getting good medical care as a result. Hopefully there is more training now with physicians to treat patients differently - my daughter is in family practice and I hope she can always respect her patients and their experiences. excellent piece!
This was fabulous. Love, a primary care doctor. (PS the paper gowns are almost never necessary.) (PPS I'm sorry I'm always running late.)
…you can refuse the scale?? 🥹🥹🥹 but it’s *soooooo* medically necessary when you’re getting your hearing checked or getting stitches in your thumb 🥹🥹
Thank you for this wonderful article and for all the comments.
As an advocate for the mentally ill and for those so misdiagnosed, I can report that medical personnel are often dismissive of the self-reporting of those suspected of mental illness regardless of their age or gender.
Love this! Something I'm still working on is dropping the language that assumes medical professionals are in control. Grant them every bit of the attention that their expertise deserves, absolutely, but what I swallow or decide to do is still my choice. As in --
"My doctor put me on medication x" -- nope.
"My doctor strongly recommended medication x" -- great.
"My doctor said that unless my blood pressure comes down I'll have to go on medication x" - nope.
"My doctor said that if my blood pressure doesn't come down, medication x is the best option" - perfect.
And so on.
It's surprisingly empowering. And, once one is on the lookout for that kind of language, you realize it's everywhere...
I present as a sane nice old lady. I always shower before any kind of medical appt, because having done hospice care for five years, I know how close contact can be ‘challenging’ to providers. Just courtesy!
But looks can backfire…
There’s a huge homeless population in the city where I live. I picked up scabies from a Trader Joes bathroom, no azz-gaskets on the wall that day…
I’m also a retired esthetician, so know how to do very credible research on skin stuff.
The young female doctor absolutely dismissed my conclusion and mocked me! I reiterated my reasons for the diagnosis, like nighttime activity.
Finally I said, ‘just humor me, give me the prescription cream.’ I was right and it took care of the problem immediately.
I should have followed up and called her out, but those were stressful times, COVID, and no doubt she was dealing with a LOT, so I let it go.
But maybe I should have written her an articulate private note.
Hell yes! Such a good capture of a messed up but very shared experience
Truest thing I’ve read in weeks.
They automatically give you pregnancy tests?? That's so weird! No one in my state has done that. But rest assured I am still pretty much done with most doctors and nurses. My midwife is cool