I really love this. I'm a DV/rape survivor. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I mean that sincerely. After all I've been through, all that's left is death. I faced it many times. Being afraid is draining. I don't have the energy for it. I may smart off to improper attention but, ignoring it can be more satisfying. Men like that WANT a reaction. I refuse to give them anything, not even my words.
Aubrey, you're so f*cking great. I love this. I've clapped back at street harassers as well, but got talked out of it too easily by someone who feared it put me in danger. They meant well, but honestly? The importance of shutting down street harassment (when, as you said, it's safe to do so), voicing that it's not ok and these men should be ashamed... this makes it worthwhile. It makes me feel human (god, what a horrible thing to have to say!) to reject dehumanization. And that's exactly what crude, scary, boundary-violating behavior from harassers does. And I feel it. And I'm so sick of it--for myself and others.
That's so well-said! And I totally agree. It's been really good for my own mental health, whether or not it's actually making any difference in the world.
I’m a not-pretty woman who was usually heavier than the standards were for women’s weights at whatever time I was being judged. One would think I wouldn’t have much of a history of street harassment? Nope. All it takes to experience street harassment is being female, being alone (or “only” being with other women), and being out in public. I have yelled back at harassing men. I have yelled for a man to take his hands off me (or, once, on the Chicago El, to remove his umbrella from my crotch). Sometimes it was terrifying to clap back; sometimes (like that time on the El when the whole damn car helped me shove the umbrella guy out into the rain at the next platform), it was exhilarating. But I never, never lost sight of the fact that by clapping back, I was risking harm and danger. You have it nailed. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. And you're so right. It doesn't matter what you look like, what you're wearing, whether or not you're conforming to "the male gaze." It's just a fact of life for all of us.
I love (?social) cartoons. Political cartoons in one frame can bring tears, if they’re good. Yours are wonderful.
I find a stubborn resistance to having to teach adults how to behave who have no empathy. I wonder whether it works or increases danger or even if inducing shame in the other will ultimately help or hurt. It definitely improves the mental health of the woman. And I imagine it does help with a lot of men. I’m just so tired. But your responses are deeply satisfying and I vicariously enjoy them.
Thank you so much for making this and sharing it. Another thing that drives me nuts is how even the well-meaning men in my life don't fully understand this issue, because male harassers are much less likely to harass a woman when she's with a man. It's yet another instance of "I've never seen that happen, so it's hard for me to believe it's true, or to understand it." But it's great to be able to share visual storytelling like this, as a way for them to grasp the situation more fully. (Annoying AF that our experience can't just be taken at face value, but...one thing at a time.)
That is so true! I once had a boyfriend ask me how often this happened and he was STUNNED when I said "Uh. All the time? Every time?" He thought it was once a year or something!
If they would just start to listen and trust what women in big numbers are saying... They've never experienced it, cause we live in two different worlds.
I read that male behavior as satisfying their will to dominance, to reiterate their idea that they are superior. Except they admit their insecurity thereby, as if street harassment is like assurance that they are male. Then they sneer about "toxic masculinity" as if that's a myth.
Men, "the good guys," need to accept responsibility for their silence as permission. Some of this is done to impress the guys that are within earshot. And yes, guys are afraid that speaking up will get them into a physical altercation but there is already violence underway and they are witnessing it. Men telling jerks to stop being such jerks can be powerful and it is needed. Men don't get to stay silent and still think of themselves as good guys. And yes, cross to the other side of the street. It's probably the best way to signal to her that there is someone who cares in the vicinity.
All women are someone's daughter, sister, partner and/or mother. My God, how hard is it to keep that in mind? What would you want someone else to do for your mother or your partner? It's not a hard question. Even just asking "Are you Okay?" is better than nothing and it sends a message to all.
Men also need to ask themselves "what kind of world do they want to live in?" And then realize that whatever their response, it has an impact, positive or negative!
That's true, but also, all women are people! We shouldn't need to be defined b y our relationships to men (partner, daughter, sister). It should be enough that we are people and deserve respect, just as anyone else does.
Fortunately, I was raised so the mere thought of harassing a woman, publicly or otherwise, would make me cringe. However, until the last decade or so, I didn't actively think about the female experience walking alone, at night, etc., and the constant fear that women experience.
I talk to the women in my life more deeply now about this issue in an attempt to empathize and understand. This article helped me connect in a way I hadn't before. I have intervened before, and I recall one situation where the young man got aggressive towards me for intervening, but eventually walked away without violence. During those tense few minutes, I was scared. I didn't want to get hurt.
Reading this article woke me up to the realization that women feel that nearly identical fear just walking down the street just trying to avoid conflict. I won't hesitate to speak up again. The least I can do is join her in the level of fear she's already experiencing.
Thanks for this comment! Bystander intervention can be a powerful tool. Even just interrupting the harassment to ask for the time or directions can sometimes stop it without escalating.
Well done. I was 13 and walking home from a shopping center in my suburban home the first time I experienced this. A car full of guys (probably in their early 20s) pulled up next to me and whistled and tried to get me to come with them. Part of me was flattered because that’s what was ingrained in us girls culturally at the time (this would have been 1978), but the other part of me was all “WTF? Dude, I’m 13!” The thing that creeped me out for years was the men who would do the slow, obvious look-you-up-and-down thing. *shudder* Sometimes words aren’t even necessary.
I was once harassed at a gas station. I didn’t speak Spanish at the time, (I do now pindejos!) but I did yell back to the entire group. I then proceeded to call the company phone number listed on the vehicles right in front of them & that person did speak American English as well as Spanish. It got real quiet at that gas station after that. The quickest way…is to affect their pay$$$. “Pay” attention to their weaknesses, not just what they want you to hear.
Makes me so angry how differently the world/men treat me when I am walking/running alone vs w my husband.
Never in my life has someone said something to me when my husband or brother was around (tall not necessarily friendly looking men). I have also started yelling back at boys who do this (in daylight with witness).
Also, anytime a man is staring at me I stare at them in an unfriendly way until they become uncomfortable and look away. Has worked every time.
I grew up in the 1970s in a Mediterranean country where, as a young pre-teen and then teenager, my sister and I were harassed every.single.day, multiple times a day. We talked about it with our male friends, whose response at the time was "you should be flattered!" & "It's only harmless fun" ...etc.
My sister and I tried many different responses to our harassers, we've even hit them at times (I think because we were SO sick and tired of it). We learned that ANY kind of acknowledgment of their existence made the harassment worse AND it lasted MUCH longer (because they thought they "had a chance" because we'd noticed them)
What worked best? Utter & complete ignorance of their existence, while practicing avoidance tactics like changing sidewalks to put distance between them and us, going to a public place instead of walking home, etc). And my sister found that picking her nose helped too.
In that country during that period, talking back to them like you're doing NEVER worked, it only escalated the harassment.
Does it genuinely work? I have all the courage but also enough survival instincts to hold myself back. Seeing this makes me wonder if I can actually do this.
I think that depends on what you mean by "work!" I do think I've gotten a few men to re-think their bad habits, but I definitely think it's a huge minority. If the harasser is a teenager, I think there's more impact because it scares them to think old ladies will yell at them in front of their friends! BUT, stopping my silence has helped MY mental health tremendously. So I would say, yes, it does "work!"
Before telling them it's scary, maybe we could try to encourage them to evolve independent, critical thinking skills, by first asking them; "what do you think this kind of behavior does for women? Hint; it's not that you're nice".
I really love this. I'm a DV/rape survivor. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I mean that sincerely. After all I've been through, all that's left is death. I faced it many times. Being afraid is draining. I don't have the energy for it. I may smart off to improper attention but, ignoring it can be more satisfying. Men like that WANT a reaction. I refuse to give them anything, not even my words.
Thanks for this! And I'm so sorry.
You get to a point where it breaks you or you absolutely refuse to let it break you.
Aubrey, you're so f*cking great. I love this. I've clapped back at street harassers as well, but got talked out of it too easily by someone who feared it put me in danger. They meant well, but honestly? The importance of shutting down street harassment (when, as you said, it's safe to do so), voicing that it's not ok and these men should be ashamed... this makes it worthwhile. It makes me feel human (god, what a horrible thing to have to say!) to reject dehumanization. And that's exactly what crude, scary, boundary-violating behavior from harassers does. And I feel it. And I'm so sick of it--for myself and others.
That's so well-said! And I totally agree. It's been really good for my own mental health, whether or not it's actually making any difference in the world.
I’m a not-pretty woman who was usually heavier than the standards were for women’s weights at whatever time I was being judged. One would think I wouldn’t have much of a history of street harassment? Nope. All it takes to experience street harassment is being female, being alone (or “only” being with other women), and being out in public. I have yelled back at harassing men. I have yelled for a man to take his hands off me (or, once, on the Chicago El, to remove his umbrella from my crotch). Sometimes it was terrifying to clap back; sometimes (like that time on the El when the whole damn car helped me shove the umbrella guy out into the rain at the next platform), it was exhilarating. But I never, never lost sight of the fact that by clapping back, I was risking harm and danger. You have it nailed. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. And you're so right. It doesn't matter what you look like, what you're wearing, whether or not you're conforming to "the male gaze." It's just a fact of life for all of us.
I love (?social) cartoons. Political cartoons in one frame can bring tears, if they’re good. Yours are wonderful.
I find a stubborn resistance to having to teach adults how to behave who have no empathy. I wonder whether it works or increases danger or even if inducing shame in the other will ultimately help or hurt. It definitely improves the mental health of the woman. And I imagine it does help with a lot of men. I’m just so tired. But your responses are deeply satisfying and I vicariously enjoy them.
Thank you so much for making this and sharing it. Another thing that drives me nuts is how even the well-meaning men in my life don't fully understand this issue, because male harassers are much less likely to harass a woman when she's with a man. It's yet another instance of "I've never seen that happen, so it's hard for me to believe it's true, or to understand it." But it's great to be able to share visual storytelling like this, as a way for them to grasp the situation more fully. (Annoying AF that our experience can't just be taken at face value, but...one thing at a time.)
That is so true! I once had a boyfriend ask me how often this happened and he was STUNNED when I said "Uh. All the time? Every time?" He thought it was once a year or something!
If they would just start to listen and trust what women in big numbers are saying... They've never experienced it, cause we live in two different worlds.
I read that male behavior as satisfying their will to dominance, to reiterate their idea that they are superior. Except they admit their insecurity thereby, as if street harassment is like assurance that they are male. Then they sneer about "toxic masculinity" as if that's a myth.
Men, "the good guys," need to accept responsibility for their silence as permission. Some of this is done to impress the guys that are within earshot. And yes, guys are afraid that speaking up will get them into a physical altercation but there is already violence underway and they are witnessing it. Men telling jerks to stop being such jerks can be powerful and it is needed. Men don't get to stay silent and still think of themselves as good guys. And yes, cross to the other side of the street. It's probably the best way to signal to her that there is someone who cares in the vicinity.
Bystander intervention is so important! People who feel safe in public spaces need to do more to step up for those of us who don't!
All women are someone's daughter, sister, partner and/or mother. My God, how hard is it to keep that in mind? What would you want someone else to do for your mother or your partner? It's not a hard question. Even just asking "Are you Okay?" is better than nothing and it sends a message to all.
Men also need to ask themselves "what kind of world do they want to live in?" And then realize that whatever their response, it has an impact, positive or negative!
That's true, but also, all women are people! We shouldn't need to be defined b y our relationships to men (partner, daughter, sister). It should be enough that we are people and deserve respect, just as anyone else does.
Couldn't agree more. Glad you emphasized that point. Thanks.
Fortunately, I was raised so the mere thought of harassing a woman, publicly or otherwise, would make me cringe. However, until the last decade or so, I didn't actively think about the female experience walking alone, at night, etc., and the constant fear that women experience.
I talk to the women in my life more deeply now about this issue in an attempt to empathize and understand. This article helped me connect in a way I hadn't before. I have intervened before, and I recall one situation where the young man got aggressive towards me for intervening, but eventually walked away without violence. During those tense few minutes, I was scared. I didn't want to get hurt.
Reading this article woke me up to the realization that women feel that nearly identical fear just walking down the street just trying to avoid conflict. I won't hesitate to speak up again. The least I can do is join her in the level of fear she's already experiencing.
Thanks for this comment! Bystander intervention can be a powerful tool. Even just interrupting the harassment to ask for the time or directions can sometimes stop it without escalating.
Thank you so much for this.
This piece says so much, so perfectly encapsulated. Thank you. Your voice matters and I think it can change lives
Thank you!
Well done. I was 13 and walking home from a shopping center in my suburban home the first time I experienced this. A car full of guys (probably in their early 20s) pulled up next to me and whistled and tried to get me to come with them. Part of me was flattered because that’s what was ingrained in us girls culturally at the time (this would have been 1978), but the other part of me was all “WTF? Dude, I’m 13!” The thing that creeped me out for years was the men who would do the slow, obvious look-you-up-and-down thing. *shudder* Sometimes words aren’t even necessary.
Ugh. 13 is so young! And, yes, the "I'm entitled to look" look is so creepy and hard to counter.
I was once harassed at a gas station. I didn’t speak Spanish at the time, (I do now pindejos!) but I did yell back to the entire group. I then proceeded to call the company phone number listed on the vehicles right in front of them & that person did speak American English as well as Spanish. It got real quiet at that gas station after that. The quickest way…is to affect their pay$$$. “Pay” attention to their weaknesses, not just what they want you to hear.
Oh that must have felt so good!
Thank you for this piece. It’s really good and impactful. 💪🏼❤️💪🏼❤️
Thanks, Niko!
Makes me so angry how differently the world/men treat me when I am walking/running alone vs w my husband.
Never in my life has someone said something to me when my husband or brother was around (tall not necessarily friendly looking men). I have also started yelling back at boys who do this (in daylight with witness).
Also, anytime a man is staring at me I stare at them in an unfriendly way until they become uncomfortable and look away. Has worked every time.
Yes! This problem is completely invisible to most men for exactly this reason. So frustrating!
What do you yell back? Just curious. If I'll experience it, I might yell back too... But is it the same kind of things they yell or something else?
"fuck off", "pervert", "I don't have spare change". Or if they are in front of me I ask them to repeat it "what did you say"
"Bet you swallow!"
"Bet you do too!"
I grew up in the 1970s in a Mediterranean country where, as a young pre-teen and then teenager, my sister and I were harassed every.single.day, multiple times a day. We talked about it with our male friends, whose response at the time was "you should be flattered!" & "It's only harmless fun" ...etc.
My sister and I tried many different responses to our harassers, we've even hit them at times (I think because we were SO sick and tired of it). We learned that ANY kind of acknowledgment of their existence made the harassment worse AND it lasted MUCH longer (because they thought they "had a chance" because we'd noticed them)
What worked best? Utter & complete ignorance of their existence, while practicing avoidance tactics like changing sidewalks to put distance between them and us, going to a public place instead of walking home, etc). And my sister found that picking her nose helped too.
In that country during that period, talking back to them like you're doing NEVER worked, it only escalated the harassment.
Does it genuinely work? I have all the courage but also enough survival instincts to hold myself back. Seeing this makes me wonder if I can actually do this.
I think that depends on what you mean by "work!" I do think I've gotten a few men to re-think their bad habits, but I definitely think it's a huge minority. If the harasser is a teenager, I think there's more impact because it scares them to think old ladies will yell at them in front of their friends! BUT, stopping my silence has helped MY mental health tremendously. So I would say, yes, it does "work!"
This made me cry suddenly, which I was not expecting. Thanks for this 🤍
Thank you!
Before telling them it's scary, maybe we could try to encourage them to evolve independent, critical thinking skills, by first asking them; "what do you think this kind of behavior does for women? Hint; it's not that you're nice".
I've definitely tried that also. Or, something just asking them "Can you repeat that?" does the job!
Do they actually think or do you need to spell it for them?
The best thing about being fat, is that all they mostly do is give me looks irl, and I'm hard to kidnap, lol. 🙃
In general I'm talking back more and more, mostly online, want to make content too. But I worry about my safety sometimes.
But if you don't speak up, you're agreeing. Those who stay silent, accepts the status quo and some things are worth risking for I guess.
Do they ever repeat it?